(Valentine’s Day is an opportunist bastard and you’re an asshole.)
On this Valentine’s Day, I’d like to tell you a story. It was the first day of my math class. The rain poured heavily and I had been to the class eons early lest I might make a bad impression in the teacher’s books right since day one. There was no one at the class except the professor and another student, a girl. The teacher was busy and the girl, beautiful.
So very nonchalantly, I went over to her desk and introduced myself, like any other guy would have, but like any other girl would have, she chose to keep her eyes on her books and muttered a “Hi” that was barely audible. I felt quite uneasy because I had never anticipated this cold reaction and stood there like a fool not knowing what to say. But because the teacher saw that I was trying to talk to the girl and because he thought our time could be better employed to solve a seemingly difficult problem of parabola, so until the rest of the class arrived, he said, “Solve the equation on page 138 of your book.” Then, with a sly grin, he added, “Let’s see who solves it first. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” Thereby making us feel like we were in a benign, micro-version of the Hunger Games. Then he left the classroom for a while, increasing the uneasiness between the girl and me to an unprecedented height.
So I located a seat and decided to concentrate on the arithmetic problem and forget the girl. It was only a few minutes since I had begun to solve the parabola equation that I thought I was going wrong somewhere and that I needed to verify my answer before getting any further. Of course there was only one person in the class, to whom I could ask about it.
So very cautiously, I stammered, “Hey…” She looked up at me with a spark in her eyes. In that brief moment, God sent oceans of love in my life. I had my answer verified. And then, I also got the answer to the most important question in my life.
Who will be the one? Who will send me miles up in the sky with just a glance? Who will hold my hand for the eternal journey? Whom will I love all that I can? When I saw the spark in her eyes, I knew the answer: this girl.
Now the reason I’m writing this isn’t because it’s our relationship’s 5th anniversary or anything as stupid as that. Oh, just for the record, since I know you represent a common human being immensely interested in other people’s lives and you want to know what happened after I saw that spark in her eyes, let me tell you that I dated her and we broke up after what can roughly be called a year.
No fairy-tale love story at all. I have been ‘in love’ thrice after that – was cheated on once, left for ex-boyfriend once and left-without- a-clue once. That sums up my adventures on the quest of love and longing. Bottom line, never ask me again.
Yeah so back to where I was, the reason I’m writing this, or it would sound more appropriate to say ‘I wrote the first few paragraphs’ since I’m done writing it and it’s not present tense, but what the hell, you aren’t a grammar Nazi so let’s not ponder over the tenses. The reason I wrote the first paragraph is because it’s the Valentine’s Day, and regardless of whether you want it or not, you have fallen madly, hopelessly in love with someone. And there are chances that you are looking forward to carry on with this relationship for the rest of your life.
In some rare cases, as rare as a woman driving a car with skills and perfection, it is possible that you’d get married, have kids, and one day they would kill me for writing this article and apparently trying to keep you from creating them. But in all the other cases, I’d strongly recommend you to not dream of anything like that because here’s the deal: Valentine’s Day is an opportunist bastard and you’re an asshole. No one falls in love just because it’s the Valentine’s Day. This isn’t a movie and you aren’t a teenager to believe in all the romantic ideas.
Retrospect on your high-school years, come forward to this date in a chronological order and see for yourself how many times the Valentine’s Day has fooled you into believing that you finally found love. My suggestions aren’t sweet but what do you want sweet or safe? Grow up, or rather break up and face the reality. You won’t fall in love today. So go out, be an opportunist, flirt a bit, weigh your chances, refer the Playbook and say those three magical words to someone: Let’s have sex.
And yes, if you happen to be the one with the rare case, raise your kids nicely, never mention them anything about this article and everyone gets to stay happy.